Some version of how do you have a great relationship is the question Alicia and I get the most.
My first few long term relationships ended because they or me, usually, both, didn’t have space for what was arising. We chose our judgments over the relationship. In hindsight, at least my judgments were usually wrong. And what’s a judgment really worth, anyway? Of course, there are some relationships that are not a fit and there are certainly good reasons to leave a relationship.
But 25 years of supporting singles and couples and almost two decades of being with Alicia has taught me that it usually isn’t that the people aren’t a fit, as it is that there are blockages in love, compassion, understanding, honesty and so on.
I really blew it the other day and got really upset because I had spilled a bottle of fish oil all over our wood stairs and the whole house smelled like fish and there was nothing I could do about it. Clients for the Sensuality Expansion Program were coming over and I was having a meltdown. Alicia asked me what was going on and after irritably explaining it she simply said: “Would you like some help cleaning that up.” There was a great opportunity for her to hook into the irritability and be right that I am a maniac, etc. etc. And she would have been right. But she didn’t do that.
What’s left when the judgments are gone… Interestingly, a lot more capacity to relate, address things, tell the truth and have fun.
That’s the other thing that has really worked for my wife and me: making time for fun every day. Some things are not to be missed.
But boy did I have to give up a lot… of judgments:
- I’m better
- I’m worse
- Something is wrong
- It will all turn out someday
- Life should be like (input some ideal here)
- I’m right
- I know
- They know
- And so on…
What is left when all those unconscious positions are abandoned… a lot, and it kind of sizzles from head to toe