Erwan and I had a fight the other night.
It was one of those where (later) we both turned around and said “How did THAT escalate so quickly!?” I am sure this won’t surprise you that one of the things we do after our fights is go over the play by play and discuss each move. What was said, what was heard, who got triggered, what the issue was, etc. We have been together for almost 20 years and know each other’s issues and patterns like the back of our hand.
There was a hilarious moment during this “post-game analysis” when we were talking about a moment during the fight where Erwan said something like, “It seems like you think I am blaming you in what I said. I am not blaming you, I am just asking a question.” And then I said, (with my arms folded across my chest standing in the corner of the room practically facing the wall)” I DON’T FEEL BLAMED! I DON’T! YOU ARE READING THIS ALL WRONG!”
When we were talking about it later, I said, “Oh I definitely felt blamed”. Erwan said, “Why didn’t you say that while it was happening?”. I said, “Tell the truth in the moment? Then I wouldn’t be protecting myself anymore!” Erwan literally jumped out of his chair with a huge smile on his face and said, “ I feel like I just got clearer on your Relationship Blueprint (patterning)! This is awesome!”
Yes, we geek out on this stuff
One thing that can come along with the aftermath of a fight with a loved one, when it is big enough, is what I like to call the “fight hangover”Yes, the argument is over, the dust has settled, but there is just this yucky feeling. Wanting to get back into warm and fuzzy but it feels a little hard or awkward. Not wanting to hold a grudge but feeling a pull to numb out.
I found myself in that position yesterday. My strategy when I feel awkward or funky is to crawl into a hole and hide. I so wanted to do that. It was 915am. I looked at my calendar and saw the occasion in there called “Erwan Alicia Touching Practices”. I thought, “I want to, I feel awkward, I want to, I feel awkward”. Isn’t that funny? My beloved husband of almost 20 years and in myself I was finding a tender, young awkward person feeling a little stuck on how to proceed.
Our commitment to each other is we do these practices most days no matter what, and yes they are scheduled! So I walked back downstairs to our bedroom, got in bed, and said, “Practices?”
20 minutes later, the awkwardness melted away and the warm fuzzies were back! Yes! It was a miracle (and no matter how many times I practice these practices w Erwan, support other couples in learning and practicing them I am seriously blown away by their effectiveness). Thank goodness for these practices- they stood the test of time in the “old” world, continue to be invaluable in the “new” world, and I would bet my money that they will be just as powerful far into the future for eternity.